Emily, Christmas Afternoon

I have been thinking of you all lately. Work has been kicking my butt lately (as well as lots of other things) but I see some improvement ahead and feel a lot better.

Happy new Year! I hope you all have a great year ahead.

No reason for the shoe pic, I just like them.

I’m not sure when the full moon was - was it last night? Probably - the one that’s hanging over my house seems kind of skinny. At any rate, I believe that the moon has been messing with people’s moods and attitudes.

I’ve been thinking about the $14,000 I have to find by April, which is when my Human Resources/Office Admin course starts. The woman at the school thinks that unemployment insurance will pay for most of it, but I still have to do a lot of research into what kind of bursaries and grants I can find. At this point in my life, I can’t afford to take a student loan - I need to start SAVING, not borrowing.

Even though the majority of you live in the U.S., I would appreciate any advice you might have for me. I just can’t stand working my ass off six days a week for $1, 050 /month, and better not have to do it for much longer!

Halloween 2009

The house is incredibly quiet right now, and I am enjoying it a lot. Em had a sleepover last night (so she’s napping), Jamie stayed out until five or six this morning and is still sleeping, and Bill is out doing a gutter job.

There are so many things that I’ve been thinking about, and kept hoping that I’d get back to blogging. A month ago, one of my previous managers at the insurance company accepted a promotion in Victoria, BC and moved out there while his family stayed behind to sell the house and settle things here. He was my favourite manager and this promotion will be bring him (at the very least) a $75,000 increase in salary. Incredible! Since I still miss my insurance gig and still wish I had been able to make a go of it, I can’t help but wonder if I had stayed, if I had waited to get through this last physical road block - would I have been able to move into management there?

Of course, those what ifs are moot now. I am working five days a week at the big box store and once a week at the clothing store and I’m planning to take a Human Resources course in April. Onward and upward.

I saw an Oprah interview with Patrick Swayze’s widow, Lisa Neimi. My heart just broke for her, she’s so new! It’s only been six weeks since his death and she still refers to him in present tense. I wish I could say I remember those days, but I don’t. Back then I was still putting one foot in front of the other and longing for the day I could think of Dale and what we went through, without crying. Well, after seven years I still cry - although now, it’s mostly for me and not about the lonliness without him. Fortunately, I have blocked out a lot of the traumatic memories, even though I had to give up the good with the bad.

Financially, my family is still struggling but we’re getting by. We’ve been lucky that we haven’t had any utilities shut off, although I’m driving my truck with no insurance and I had to let my life insurance lapse. Jamie will be getting more hours soon and Bill picked up a freelance job to do someone’s facia and eavestoughs and that should catch up the one truck payment that we’re behind. Unfortunately, he hasn’t been able to secure a full time job yet. Soon - I hear things are picking up again.

Last night Bill and I went out to a house party as Romans. We had a great time and got home around 1:30 in the morning. How was your Halloween?

Poor kitty! Every year, Jamie finds some kind of Halloween torture device for the dog and cat.

My toes are getting chubbier, and I dunno what that is about.
Anyway, my sister is taking an esthetics course, and so far I have had a facial, a manicure and a pedicure, all completely free. This is from yesterdays pedi.

I’m sitting there with my feet on top of the padded bench and start thinking is that hair on my toes? Didin’t I just remove that? Good thing I wear sneakers to work.

Then my sister says “You know Kath, we’re doing laser hair removal next week… and her instructor comes in to check out her work and says “Oh, look at the little toe hairs. Maybe you can have her come in for the laser hair removal next week.”

I was a little embarrassed, but whatever.

The best thing? Free laser hair removal. Score!

Dan Kelly and Dale Peterson, circa 1995

This past few weeks has been more difficult because of everything going on - the illness, the lack of money (and the phone calls that ensue) the basement flooding without home insurance (couldn’t pay the premium) the big box store not paying me for a month (they had my banking info wrong) and the bank closing down my account and calling in my thousand dollar overdraft (they kept my truck payment and widow’s pension to pay it off) and of course, there is the countdown that goes on every year since Dale passed away. Songs spur memories while I’m driving around trying to get things done, tears come easily and more often than before.

As much as I miss the good man he once was, it mostly comes down to the trauma involved with his drinking, the way he got sick, and the broken man he was when he died. For the most part I’ve forgiven him, although I found it sad the day that Jamie was angry with Bill (over the last fight we’d had, involving Em playing us against each other) and said something like “well, he needs to think of us as one unit or else he’s no better than Dale was. And Dale was a good-for-nothing drunk.”

Brutal honesty, and there is a bit of guilt because he once asked me while he was dying, to try to remember to good things. The humour, the affection, the way he loved, lived and breathed karate. So I’ll do that today.

About ten months after he died, one of my employees took a job in Japan, and agreed to scatter some of his ashes into the Pacific ocean there. This is the message she left me this morning:

“It was a misty day here today, the humidity before the rain making the air heavy but cool. The clouds hugged the mountains and flowed into the sea where a part of his spirit lay.”
xo

Dale Peterson. February 12, 1967 - October 2, 2002.

I hated how awful the end was, but this is the life I was meant to have. I hope you have peace now.

Things went back to normal on Sunday, however I am not sure what Bill’s thought process was, nor have we really spoken about it. He was sleeping when we got back, he came out around the time Em went to bed, and about thirty minutes later he sat next to me and put his hand on the small of my back.

Last night I brought it up tentatively - he’s got to know that this year, I am going to be very clear on what Em’s boundaries are. She wants to get a bus pass and ride around the city with her friends, she wants to take in early movies, without supervision. She wants to go to dances and to the mall without supervision, so I will need to know that I can trust her word.

Anyway, I’m letting things go for a few days, then making an appointment for therapy. It’s so draining and sad and scary when stuff like that happens. On top of it all, I am not having the best year in regard to re-living everything that happened before Dale died. With year seven approaching, I thought it would get easier. Instead, it’s painful, but different.

This pic is for BenB, who is always trying to find hardy trees and plants to grow in his hot-as-hell, dry environment. These Hens & Chicks are awesome! We propagated one plant this year and now have sixteen, and next year we hope that those new plants will produce babies.

Update at home: Things went from bad to worse when I accused him of lying to me about the homework, and he said I owed him an apology and Emily an apology. I asked him to leave the house, he did. I felt bad and texted him my regret, he made it seem like he was a victim and refused to come back. At this point Jamie and I and Em have all cried, we’re all worried and I still don’t really know what happened. I am not going to stop asking Em to get her stuff done before a friend  comes over. I know my child better than anyone and I’m not going to keep justifying every decision I make.

Comment about KCL: I appreciate KCL a lot! I’m one of those bloggers that stayed at Blogspot as well, but this is the closest thing to JS that I’ve seen. The bad part is knowing that the cost comes from someone’s family budget. I would really struggle with that if it were me. Anyway, when I was at widownet, the owner had a message board similar to Westy’s. It had 3,000 members but only about 10% posted regularly. Pics weren’t allowed at all due to bandwidth usage. Twice a year the members held a fundraiser and people sent money orders for $5 or $10 or $250 if they could afford it, and the founder eventually changed it to a non-profit organization.

I think people would donate to make up the difference here at KCL. Maybe we should spread the word and ask opinions. Just a thought.

I’ve been mad at Bill for the last few days.

I think it started after I returned home from work only to discover that Em, who has been very sick with severe abdomenal pain, did not follow directions on her medication because Bill did not see to it that she did. She wanted relief from the pain but didn’t like the taste of the medication, so Bill let her take only half. Then, because she didn’t want to drink much of anything, he didn’t ensure that she drank the requisite 250 ml (1 cup) of water every 60 minutes to prevent dehrydration. Instead, he brought her milk (which she shouldn’t have had) and a slurpee (again, not the best thing because the sugar might upset her bowels.) She doesn’t like the taste of water, and he didn’t see any harm.

The next day was Thursday and we took her back to the hospital because the pain didn’t let up. We were both so worried that she had a bleeding ulcer, but that was ruled out and we were told she was holding in a lot of gas. She was on a morphine drip for a few hours then sent home with Percoset.

On Friday she was up and about, watching TV and drinking gatorade, but didn’t eat much. She had some residual pain but it was maybe a 2 on a scale from 1-10. Last night she asked if her BFF could come over today, so Bill, Em and I talked about what needed to be done before that - a small load of laundry washed/dried and put away, and her school work. She and I went to the school website last night and she said she didn’t feel like doing any then, she would do it today. All in all, it was about eighty minutes of math and an hour of science.

School and other responsibilities first, then play.

Except her kidneys started aching by 10 am, and she wanted the percoset, so that knocked her out for several hours. After she woke up, she finished the math (five hours later) and asked her dad if Dakota could come over now. He vacuumed her room and let the science slide.

When I got home at 5:30 her laundry wasn’t finished, her schoolwork wasn’t finished, and Bill accused me of being a “control freak”, “having my own agenda” when I got upset.

“You’re undermining me.”

He accused me of being mean. “She needed a break.”

“She agreed last night that she’d finish her work first.”

He accused me of being rigid and stomped out of the house.

When I asked Em why she didn’t finish her work, she said she was bored.

Now Em is in bed, Bill is hiding in the bedroom, and I am out here. I fucking hate it when he does this shit - now I am the BAD GUY. I don’t love Em enough or care about Em enough and she is “buckling” under my “harsh rule.” He acts like we don’t love her, and he is teaching her that what I say means NOTHING. How do I know this? Because I have only said “no” twice since August 25th and both times she went to him behind my back to get a “yes.”

Our marriage will not last under these conditions.

Sugarcane did a new layout for me and I just love it! Of course, between being sick and working and everything else, I haven’t had much time to help her with the questions, but she has been reading me for so long, she knew that there should be some sexy shoes involved.

Thanks Sugarcane!